The Waxed Poet
by Jdifrans1
Summary: Edward doesn't remember much of the night before and texts Bella to clarify. His mom gets the texts instead, thanks to Emmett's handiwork. Ridiculousness ensues. Written for the Texts From Last Night Contest.


**Summary: Edward doesn't remember much of the night before and texts Bella to clarify. His mom gets the texts instead, thanks to Emmett's handiwork. Ridiculousness ensues.**

**Prompts used:**

**(+44): I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking **

**(606): Did you put candle wax on my balls last night? **

**(479): New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my mistakes. No copyright infringement intended!**

**A/N: Thank you, GeekChic and Lellabeth for hosting the TFLN contest! **

**Many thanks to Schneezles for secret keeping - and also to the validators, judges, and banner makers!**

**To everyone who read, voted, and reviewed - thank you! I'm honored to have been part of such a fun contest. **

**Mel beta'd this at the last minute for me so I'd make the first deadline. Thank you sweetie for all your help!**

**Ashley thank you for reading this for me, reminiscing, and naming it! **

**Lovelybrutal you're input is invaluable. Thanks for never hesitating to tell me what detail I skimmed or where I need more. And finding all my missing commas, one of these days I'll get better!**

**I love you ladies and couldn't do it without you!**

**Also, if you're not watching Skin Wars on GSN , you should be! Body painting is sooo much fun to watch ;)**

**The Waxed Poet**

"Carlisle Cullen, you need to stop working and drive to the University right this minute!"

"Why, Esme? Does your dear sweet Edward need his laundry done, or food delivered?" He shook his head in exasperation and looked up from his laptop screen to his wife's face.

"No! Your son just sent me a text asking if I put candle wax on his balls and then another saying, _I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking_."

Carlisle began to laugh. He laughed until his eyes watered and Esme couldn't help but join him. She collected herself and continued on her path of nagging until she got her way. "I'm not paying for an ivy league education for that boy to drink himself to death. You need to go check on things and set him straight."

"Alright. I'll call him and then if necessary - I'll go see what's going on." Carlisle sat back and looked at his wife again. Hands on her hips, lips in a straight line, he knew she was pissed off but he still remembered the young, unrepressed version. "Do you forget how we met, my lovely wife?" He asked with a knowing grin.

"Times were different then! Everyone was high and having orgies; free love and all that crap." She really believed it was fine for her to have done much more than simply streak because of the times; he had to bite his lip to not laugh. "We're not going there today and I cannot look at my baby that way."

"Esme, he's twenty-one years old. I can't tell him what to do anymore."

Her phone chimed with a new text and she nearly shook with anger. "Now, Carlisle. Call him now! You can ask him to explain his 'new discovery' that my vibrator works on his balls."

"Ha! Oh, shit." He coughed to cover up his laughter and picked up the phone to call his son. He'd never felt so much pride in the boy. He obviously had come out of his shell and was having fun at college.

Edward answered the apartment's phone, "E's house of fuckery, what's up?"

"Your mother is up my ass. Please, stop texting her. What the fuck are you on, anyway?"

"I'm not on anything, dad, honest. I was just drinking with some friends." He shrugged, not seeing what the big deal was and took a drink out of the nearest liquor bottle on the counter.

Edward typed out a quick text to Emmett while his dad lectured him on the dangers of alcohol poisoning.

_What the fuck did you do to my phone? Weren't you busy enough with the two chicks you brought back? _

He hit send and the memory of he and Bella watching Emmett and two blondes with big tits flashed through his mind. So he sent Em another quick message.

_And thanks for letting us watch_.

"Edward!"

"Yeah, dad, I know. Moderation is key. Just say no to hard drugs. Anything but yes means no. Don't bang without coverin' the wang."

"Son, I wasn't with two big titted blondes last night and you should be listening to me, not texting." Carlisle grabbed his keys and kissed his wife. Edward was clearly out of control.

"Fucking Emmett. He has no self control. Sorry."

"_He_ has no self control? _You_ were streaking, getting your balls waxed, and watching your roommate have sex. And _he's_ out of control?" Edward was surprised to hear how upset his dad was becoming. He was normally laid back and didn't care what went on as long as no one got hurt. Edward knew he had to clear this up.

"I can explain."

"No. I think I've heard enough." Carlisle hung up his cell phone and started his drive to Dartmouth.

Edward thought it would be best to start drinking and working on his attempt at jerking off with Bella's vibrator. This shit with his parents was too much for noon on a Saturday.

He decided that since it was Emmett's fault, he needed to pay. Just as he was about to enter Em's room, he heard a knock at the apartment door.

He looked through the peephole to find Bella flashing him. Flinging the door open, he quickly pulled her inside.

"I'm glad you're here. Today has been so fucked up."

"Of course I'm here. You need to get ready for the show tonight." She smiled up at him as she wrapped her hands around his dick. "Why are you naked and holding my vibrator?"

"I texted you. Well, I thought I texted you but it went to my mom. That fucker Emmett messed with my phone." He sighed and walked back into the kitchen for another shot.

"You texted what to your mom?" Bella asked in a panic.

"Did you wax my balls last night?"

"Yeah, for the show. I needed you in a thong and you were too hairy." Her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open. "You sent that to your mom?" she shrieked.

"And a bunch of other shit. Here look for yourself." He handed her his phone as he pulled her towards Emmett's room and started taking her clothes off. He left her naked in Em's bed as he ran back to the kitchen for her vibrator. He was going to get off with it one way or another.

"She must hate me!" Bella laid there terrified of what his mom must think of her.

"Don't worry about it. Let's get Emmett back." He laid on top of her and gently kissed her neck before running his cock against where she wanted him most. "I need you to hold that thing on my balls. It feels so good."

"It'd probably feel even better up your ass," she giggled.

"Really? I don't know?" He was scared, intrigued, and really glad she suggested it.

"Don't worry. I'll just use the tip."

They both laughed until she used the vibrator on herself to get it ready for him. He lowered his lips to her chest and sucked her nipples into his mouth one by one. When it was lubed enough, she went to pull out the vibrator but he stopped her and began rubbing her clit in slow tight circles with the pad of his thumb. "Come, please. I want to tell Em we both jerked off and then fucked in his bed."

He kissed her again until her breathing sped up and her toes started to point. Sitting back on his heels, he watched her eyes roll back in her head as she began to come and stroked himself with his free hand. Bella caught her breath, and didn't allow herself to roll over and fall asleep like her body wanted. Instead, she sat up and ran the vibrator along his freshly waxed balls and then to his ass.

His movements were sloppy, and he seemed to be feeling the effects of the alcohol still coursing through his system. Bella joined one hand with his and slowly inserted the tip of her favorite toy into her boyfriend's ass, and thought _if this wasn't true love, nothing was_.

Holding the vibe steady to not scare him, she stroked him harder and let him decide how far to go. He wiggled his butt and leaned into it. Taking that as his signal for more, she moved it in and out slowly. His dick was harder than ever before and he came on Emmett's bed screaming, "take that, asshole!"

Bella fell off the bed laughing, not knowing if he was yelling at his roommate or himself. There was a thump beside her as Edward joined her on the floor, laughing and trying to catch his breath.

He laid on side so he could see her better and said, "I love you, Bella."

"I know, babe. I love you, too." She pushed his hair out of his eyes and smiled at him. Grinning back, he leaned in and kissed her sweetly at first, but it quickly turned into more. They panted and moaned as their tongues stroked and tasted each other.

"I'm not done with you yet. Roll onto your stomach." He grabbed a pillow off Emmett's bed and put it between her hips and the floor.

Bella laid with her weight resting on her elbows and legs spread out behind her. He admired her perfectly round ass before lying on top of her and lining them up. He thrust into her as she pushed back. As they found their rhythm, she started to yell, "Fuck yeah, babe. Right there. Give me that big hard..."

The front door opened. Edward smiled and pushed into her faster, reaching between them to rub her clit so she'd come and his roommate could hear.

The voice of his father yelling his name was not what he expected as Bella started to come. He'd already passed the point of no return when he felt her pussy clench, and figuring he was already caught, gave into his own need and came. He bit his lip and tried to not groan too loud as he filled her. Bella collapsed onto the floor, wanting nothing more than to melt into the carpet and become invisible, knowing his parents wouldn't have to wonder if she was a whore, now that his father had proof. Edward kissed her shoulders before pulling out and wiping himself on the pillow.

"Edward?" Carlisle asked as he walked through the apartment, opening doors and looking into each one with disgust.

Edward ran into the hall and shut the bedroom door to avoid embarrassing Bella. He held his dick in his left hand and waved to his father with his right. "Hi, dad."

"Edward Anthony Cullen, what the fuck is going on?" Carlisle stared at his son's face and tried to seem intimidating, which was difficult considering their current situation.

"Well. Um. I was just looking for something in Emmett's room."

"I can hear, son." Carlisle raised his eyebrow in question and wondered how his very intelligent son could be so stupid. "At least make sure the girl has her clothes and put some on yourself. Are you high?"

"No." His forehead wrinkled as he tried to remember last night and this morning. "No! I'm not. Bella said no good shit like shrooms 'cause I might try to lick the guests."

Carlisle hung his head and tried to stay calm. "Put clothes on and then we need to talk."

Edward ran into his room, threw on a pair of running shorts and then went into Emmett's room to make sure Bella was okay.

"Your father is here, Edward. He heard us," she whisper screamed at him. "I want to kill Emmett!"

"You and me both. I'll handle my dad. You should probably get dressed in case he insists on meeting you."

"I'm not leaving this room, Edward. You need to hurry up. I still need to paint you and be at the gallery before eight."

"Fuck. I forgot." He kissed her quick and left her to face his dad.

Carlisle looked around the apartment. There was a tarp in one corner of the living room, liquor bottles littered the kitchen, stacks of porn DVDs were on the floor by the television - it was nothing out of the ordinary. The whole place reeked of weed, sex, and paint. It was as though he was magically transported back in time about thirty years to when he was Edward's age. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Edward saw his dad sitting on the couch with a creepy smile on his face, and wondered if he ate the brownies.

"Hey, dad, I hate to cut you short, but it takes Bella at least five hours to get me in paint. Can we speed this up?"

"Why is she painting you?" He'd seen his fair share of weird shit, but paint was a new one.

"Bella's an art student here. Her medium is body painting and the University hired her for an open house and gala thing this weekend." Carlisle looked even more confused, so Edward showed him some pictures on his laptop of himself in paint.

His favorite was the time she painted him to look like a stone statue. He sat all over campus and randomly jumped up to scare people. Living art was so much fun.

"She's very talented, son. I had no idea you were dating anyone so seriously."

"We've been hooking up since freshman year, and over the past semester we decided to be exclusive." He smiled at the thought of Bella being only his. "I was planning on bringing her home to meet you and mom during our next break."

"Oh. I'm glad to hear you found someone to be so...open with."

Edward laughed and figured he better explain his text messages. "So, she needed me ah... 'hairless' for last night's show, hence the waxing." He squirmed in his seat and focused on the floor. "After having my dick tucked in and standing still for so long I must have snapped and ran free for awhile. Em brought back two of the other models, but we were all in paint, so we weren't really naked."

"Your girlfriend painted a bunch of naked people, then you ran around, got drunk, and had an orgy?" Carlisle rubbed his temples and tried to not over react.

"I was not involved with anyone but Bella. It was more like watching live porn between new age paintings." Edward realized he had to tell Bella to record the next time. This could be a gold mine. Like porn for the elite and educated.

"And you weren't high?"

"No. I told you. She was afraid we'd get too fucked up," Edward said with a straight face, like this was common knowledge

"I know you're of age and your grades are good, excellent actually. I'm just making sure you aren't turning into a strung out crack head with a bunch of sexually transmitted diseases." Carlisle was glad that his son didn't have a shirt on so he could look for track marks. He was relieved to only find oddly placed hickies and what must be remnants of black paint. He watched his face for signs of sniffing or rubbing his nose. He even looked at his teeth but could find nothing strange.

"Never dad. I stick strictly to tripping and getting drunk. Oh and Bella. We're clean, and she gets a shot so I can't knock her up. We stay pretty straight during the week, I swear."

"All right. I trust you." Carlisle patted him on the back and stood to leave. "Do I get to meet her today?"

Edward scratched his head and tried to come up with a good reason so Bella wouldn't feel uncomfortable. "How about I bring her home next weekend? I need to get cleaned up for tonight."

Carlisle nodded and stopped in the kitchen on his way out to smell the brownies sitting out on the counter. "These are coming with me."

Edward chuckled. "Sure. They're mom's recipe. We used the good shit, so wait until you're home."

He stood and looked around the apartment once again and at his son. "This might sound wrong, but I'm really happy for you Edward. You seem to be doing just fine. Make sure you lock the screen on your phone from now on though."

"I did, but when I'm all fucked up I can never figure it out. I took care of Emmett, though. No worries. Give mom a hug and tell her I'm sorry."

"Will do. Send her a picture of yourself in paint tonight." Carlisle shut his eyes tight and shook his head, when he realized what his son might send. "Make sure you're _covered_ first, but I think she'll be rather impressed by Bella's artistic talent."

"Alright, see ya next week." Edward closed the door behind his dad and yelled that it was all clear.

Bella came out of the bedroom, taking off her clothes and heading towards the bathroom. "I need you clean and ready to paint. Hurry up!"

"You know, you're really sexy when you're working."

"Good, get in there and start scrubbing while I clean our favorite toy."

She joined him in the shower and made sure he didn't miss any spots from the night before. Drying off, she instructed him to make sure he wouldn't have to move for a while and to get as dry as possible. Bella wore one of his t-shirts and a pair of his boxers and got to work setting out the paint she needed.

He stood in the center of the tarp and waited for her to start. The feeling of the brush and paint against his skin was incredible. It was more fun when he was high but understood that this was important to her and tried to control himself. "Can I have anything at all?"

"No, babe, sorry. You can do whatever you want when we're done. I promise." She kissed his lips and then continued to paint his entire body white. "I'll even let you take candy from Alice."

"Really? That's like the funnest thing ever." The wistful glisten in his eyes made her laugh. He was like a little kid being handed the cookie jar. "Wow. You never know with Alice. It could be acid, E, or THC." An epiphany hit him and he had to share it with her. "Like a trippy box of chocolates from Forrest Gump!"

"I know, but first you have to sit still and not move for hours. It's going to suck."

"It'll be worth it if I can fuck with people afterwards. I can, right?" Bella stood back and smiled up at him. This beautiful, intelligent, probably still drunk, half painted man, was everything she could ever want in a guy and more.

"Of course." She smiled and kissed him again, mindful of not rubbing against him like she wanted, to not smear the paint. "But no getting killed by a boar and the only woman you're pleasuring is me."

"Huh?"

"You're being an Adonis statue tonight. I'm giving you a leaf though. The university elite don't need to see your dick." It would be fun to paint and even better to stare at all night, but Bella couldn't handle the thought of every faculty member looking at his...member.

"All right, but hold off on the thong. That thing was tight."

**...TWP...**

Bella was adding the last strokes of gray paint when the apartment door opened.

Emmett walked in carrying two buckets of fried chicken, with a blonde on each arm. "Dude! Put away the cock show, unless you care to join us." He wagged his eyebrows and one of the girls licked her lips.

Edward tried to not grimace and answered, "No thanks, man. I have to do another thing tonight. Have fun?"

"Will do. Hi, Bella. You know you're always welcome too, right?"

"I know, sweetie. I'm good, though." She smiled and pointed at Edward's cock as she winked.

"Alrighty then." The three of them walked into his room. After a few minutes a very confused, naked, and erect Emmett walked out, eating a chicken leg. "Did you jizz on my bed?"

Bella and Edward both nodded and shook from head to toe trying to not laugh hysterically.

"Dude. What the fuck did you send to your mom and dad?"

"Not telling. No more involving the parents or it'll be piss next time," Edward said as a threat and Bella side eyed him. She hoped he wouldn't be enlisting her help.

Edward's phone chimed with an incoming text and Emmett ran to pick it up. Tears ran from his eyes and he had to hold his side to stay standing. Through roaring laughter he read what he knew to be from Edward's mom.

_Your dad loves my vibrator on his freshly waxed balls and I had forgotten how freeing it was to streak. Thanks for the tips and the brownies! Love always, mom._

**Thank you for reading!**

**Be sure to check out all the other contest entries! There are some amazing ones. C-26, Awkward By Morning, and Wish Upon A Star were my personal favorites. **

**Love,**

**J**


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